Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
