What tipped you off? The sombrero?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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