If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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