i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
