I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
