it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
