I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
