So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
