he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
