I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
