Just fell off a train. Bad.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
