yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
