I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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