i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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