Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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