I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
