Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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