Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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