I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
