dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
