Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
