I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
