How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
