he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
