hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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