Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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