Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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