Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
