no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
