The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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