Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
