Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
