omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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