My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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