so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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