I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
