My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
