found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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