They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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