He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
