She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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