hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
