apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
