So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
