I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
