Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
