I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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