I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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