Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
