The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
